The Curvy Twelfth Man

If you have watched the Seattle Seahawks play then you know that even if they are down at half time, they can come back and win the game with only minutes, perhaps even only seconds to spare.  Even when the odds are not in their favor, when a win looks virtually impossible, they come from behind and shock the nation.  I must shamefully admit that this past Sunday I watched the championship game and found myself doubting my own team and stating that I didn’t know if I could watch much more.  I sat on the couch and opened a book determined not to watch what I perceived to be a most painful loss headed our way. As the game continued I lost focus on the words in my book, losing all concentration, with a now closed book in hand, on the edge of my seat, staring in complete and total amazement at the television.  Were they really going to do it?  Could they possibly win this game? Had I allowed my own self-doubt to spill over into a football game, predetermining that all hope was lost?

This particular game struck a cord with me. An ah ha moment that I so desperately needed.  My own personal fight for a win didn’t have to be over, there was plenty of time left to score.  While I will admit that I am certainly down several points, and if anyone is looking from the outside they may be thinking that a win is impossible, however, I have conviction that I am capable of beating the odds.

This curvy 12th man will not lose faith again.  Half time is over and I have possession.

~Go Hawks


12th Man



The good, the bad, and the motivated.

Let’s just get right down to it, and start off with the bad portion of this post…

Last week was bad news. I did not eat well, which was completely stupid considering I had done so well on my fast. It made me lazy, and it made me not care. GIGANTIC NO-NO. I really wish I would have stayed strong and carried on my good habits, because I know I would have probably lost at least another pound or two. But, I accept what I did (or didn’t do, in this case), and I am ready to move back into a positive direction.

I swear…one day I won’t have to come back here and confess to you guys that I’ve messed up. Apparently today is just not that day.

Alrighty, now for the good! The only positive that came out of my ridiculous eating last week is that I was so much more aware of my body. I truly didn’t eat until I was stuffed; I ate until I was content. I drank way more water than I normally do, and I stayed away from things that I KNEW would not make me feel good, i.e. tons of bread. So, I didn’t COMPLETELY throw out my entire week of juicing – I took a lot of what I had learned into consideration.

My motivation returned full force after the weekend, and here I am to say that I’m back to doing well. I didn’t count my points today, but I know that I a pretty close to my daily points, and I feel much better after drinking a bunch of water. It’s also hot (for us Washingtonians at least…) so instead of going on the elliptical I have decided to do some strength training and give my muscles a good workout. Despite it being about 85 degrees outside and probably 80 degrees in the house, I might still do a little on the elliptical. I’d love to REALLY earn my shower tonight. I’m just not sure my stomach would jive well with the heat. Ten minutes is better than nothing!

Ultimately, I feel great. Mom and I will be waking up early again tomorrow for our walk, and I plan on going back to religiously counting my points. I really am scared to weigh myself, but I probably will in the next day or two. It’s better to know what I’m at rather than staying in the dark.

Well, I’m off to get my tennis shoes and spend a little time on the elliptical (I made up my mind while writing…). I hope everyone is doing well! See ya soon 🙂



***P.S. – I just got off the elliptical. After already doing 60+ arm curls with 10lb weights, I did 32 MINUTES on the elliptical. Over 200 calories burnt, nearly 2,000 strides taken. Holy hell…I DEFINITELY deserve my shower, especially with it being 80 degrees in the house. Peace out, ladies and gents. I’ll post in the next few days.

Post fast – Reflection and happiness.

Weight as of March 25th: 355 lbs

Weight as of Day One (April 15th): 341.8 lbs

Weight as of Day Ten (April 25th): 327.3 lbs

Weight lost during fast: 14.5 lbs

Total weight lost since March 25th: 27.7 lbs

Sorry that I hadn’t gotten back to report everything! Its been a busy past few days! I’m so very excited to say that my fast was WILDLY successful, and that I am still feeling excellent!

Over the past day or so I’ve been silently reflecting on what I had gone through, what I learned, and how I still feel about my experiences with my very first juicing fast. First of all, I had to face a lot of my inner demons on this fast, and that in and of itself was probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever put myself through. To be home alone and bored and not being able to eat, but WANTING to eat anyways had caused me to look at myself in the mirror and say “you have a problem eating when you’re bored, and you need to do something about it.” That is hard when you’ve remained ignorant to your problems for so long. I had to face the inner demon telling me that it won’t matter, because I will probably just go back to eating poorly afterwards anyways; I simply just told that one to f**k off, because I can and WILL eat healthier. So far, so good!

Along with recognizing my own demons, I was also able to find more inner strength than I thought possible. I found the strength to ignore the devil on my shoulder who told me it was okay to give up before the ten days were over. I had the strength to listen to the angel on the other shoulder when she said she was proud of me for pushing through those tough moments. I finally had the strength to look at myself and say “Goodness, you are beautiful and you need to always know that about yourself.”

I’m beyond thrilled that I still have an intense sense of motivation that hasn’t wavered since I finished my fast four days ago. I love getting up in the mornings and walking, and I love eating better. I love knowing that this week I’ll be doing my work out video AT LEAST three times and parking further from my building at work to get a little more walking in. I love knowing that most likely I’ll be doing another fast (probably only a week long) in May. I also love being able to proudly write a blog saying that I’ve done well lately. I love being so positive about how everything is going.

Most of all, I love that this fast helped give me a second chance at motivation and happiness. I can’t wait to see what is in store for me next.




Phoenix Rising

In Greek Mythology the Phoenix rises out of the ashes, no longer its former self. New, reborn.


Last year I longed to emerge from the searing coals of my own personal hell.  As the brutal flames charred my existence I questioned as to whether I could escape from the ominous destruction.  I reluctantly greeted 2012 unemployed and frustrated, however, April showers blew in a new and exciting position for me and at last the clouds departed and the storm passed as quickly as it had come. I had entered into a world of  calm, this was unknown territory for me as I have spent my life in crisis mode. I wrestled my internal being with the notion that perhaps this was too good to be true.   As my path in life has always duplicated, the skies soon darkened and the simmering coals of disaster were fanned to a blinding degree as my husband lay in ICU.  Four months of touch and go, live or die, no hope and hope, my anger raged.  A medical mishap, a doctor’s carelessness, a family in crisis.  With medical bills mounting I began to surmise that perhaps I should not lay them next to each other as they seemed to be replicating like spring rabbits.  The new year brought more concerns as my year-long project at work was winding to a close.  It was time for a change…

I am not certain the exact point at which I had stopped to evaluate what I had allowed the previous year to do to me but suddenly the realization was there that I had eaten my way through 2012 like a caterpillar preparing for its pupa stage.  Everything that I had blogged about for two years, every positive change that I had made had been replaced by hospital food and limited time.  NO! NO! NO!  I was not about to sit in the hot ashes, I was not ready to admit defeat, I was not going to ignore a 30+ pound weight gain. I AM BETTER THAN A PIZZA!!!  Once again the clouds departed and the stormy assault upon me was replaced with an illuminating spark of light.

On March 25th I joined Weight Watchers and recommitted myself to detoxing from process foods.  I dusted off the Jack Lalanne juicer and reached into my mental bag of tools for the willpower to keep going.  Like the Phoenix I feel myself rising out of the ashes.  Eighteen pounds lighter I can already feel my wings beginning to spread…I am once again taking flight.  New, reborn.




Dave, thank you for giving me a little push and reminding me that I am important, even when sometimes I forget.

Morning of Day 8.

Weight as of Day One (April 15th): 341.8 lbs

Weight as of today: 328.8 lbs

Weight lost: 13 lbs

Total weight lost since March 25th: 26.3 lbs

Well, I’m getting down to the last few days of my juicing. Thursday will be my last day, and I just can’t even believe it. It’s tested just about every nerve in my body to resist temptations, and to remind myself that I’m doing this for a great reason. As recently as yesterday, I was still contemplating ending early – in fact, I was very close to eating a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch. But, I’m determined to see this to the end.

To some, ten days seems like no big deal. To me, ten days was probably the biggest challenge I have put myself through. The experience has been eye opening, to say the least. It’s allowed me to question why I have an emotional relationship with food. I’ve been able to be around others eating and not give in just because I knew something would taste good. Juicing has given me incredible energy that I never really thought I could have. I’m cured of my caffeine addiction, and now I know what my body needs to feel healthy and amazing.

I had an off day yesterday (wanting grilled cheese and all…) but I’m glad I was able to get through it and wake up really positive today. I’m hoping to make the next two days just as positive. 🙂

I’ll be back soon!


Day 6: I successfully made it through the weekend!

Weight as of Day One (April 15th): 341.8 lbs

Weight as of today: 331.5 lbs

Weight lost: 10.3 lbs

Total weight lost since March 25th: 23.5 lbs

Tomorrow at 1pm marks seven full days since I have eaten anything, and since I have began juicing. For the life of me, I really can’t believe I’ve done it. I can’t believe that I’ve gone this long, and resisted all the temptations that have been around me. This weekend has been the absolute hardest part, and I’ll explain why…

Yesterday mom wanted to go to a plant nursery and produce stand that she passes every day on her way to work. My parents, brother, and I went and enjoyed the stand very much – it had great prices and mom found some plants she had been looking for. It was getting towards dinner time, and I had juiced something quickly before we left, but it wasn’t close to what I normally juice. My family was hungry but didn’t want to eat anything because of me. I told them not to worry about it – I can handle them eating in front of me. Well, they chose pho, which happens to be one of my favorite foods. No matter…I figured I would just order some tea and be alright.

As soon as we walked in, I knew I was in for a struggle. It smelled amazing in there! When they ordered, I asked for tea and lime for my water. Their food came, and my stomach began to rumble. About ten minutes passed, and I was doing alright. I watched the tv hanging on the wall and tried to ignore the smells around me. A waiter came by to fill my water and asked if they had forgotten my order. I smiled and said no, but thank you. Another waiter came by and nearly gave me a plate meant for another table. It became a little harder to ignore everything, but I continued to drink my water and focus on the tv screen. Eventually everyone was finished, and I all but ran out of the restaurant. Phew! It was over!

I woke up this morning ready to just sit on the couch all day and totally relax. My body woke itself up around 7:30am, which is a miracle because normally on the weekends I sleep until 9 or 10am. I felt rested, and that made me happy. Getting on the scale of course was even better. The day was great until mom decided that she was going to make stuffed peppers for dinner. Once again, this was one of my favorite foods. I LOVE stuffed peppers. Mom didn’t realize this and felt kind of bad, but of course she wasn’t going to change plans for the rest of the family. I don’t blame her, but as soon as she started cooking, my stomach flipped. I felt a little nauseous, but it passed after some cucumber and lemon juice. When it was time for dinner, I felt silly by the fact that I was longing for a stuffed pepper. I was so close to practically mauling one in order to calm myself down. But again, I refrained. Another amazing accomplishment.

So this weekend was very difficult. It took a lot of patience and self control and for that, I’m very proud of myself. This is honestly and truly the first time I have firmly stuck with a decision and choice like this. This was a big decision that I made rather quickly, and there have been MANY times over the course of the past week when I told myself it was alright to give in. Thankfully, there is a tiny, small voice in my head that just keeps whispering “Keep going! You will be so proud when you are through!” I’m not through yet, but I am alright glowing with pride that I’ve made it this far.

I’m in the last half of this incredible goal, and I can’t wait to write when I’m finished. I’ll definitely be back before then with more progress though :)

Morning of Day 5

Weight as of Day One (April 15th): 341.8 lbs

Weight as of today: 333.4 lbs

Weight lost: 8.4 lbs

Total weight lost since March 25th: 21.6 lbs

Last night I decided to go to bed pretty early for a Friday night. I was in bed by 8:15pm, and slipped right into dream land. Much to my argument, mom decided to wake me up at 5:30am for our walk. Now, I like to sleep in on the weekends. It’s my favorite weekend activity, and I don’t like it to be interrupted. Except, it’s impossible to ignore mom and just go back to sleep. (lol). So, I got out of bed, pulled my tennis shoes on, and started walking. Chloe was very excited to be awake and outside, so I guess that was good enough for me.

We walked about a mile total, and it was kind of nice to hear the birds and watch the sunrise, even through the clouds. Walking an extra half mile felt good, if I have to admit it. My legs felt nice and stretched, and it was nice to get a little more fresh air. It is, however, still a bit chilly outside. Hopefully it will warm up this week!

I came home and weighed myself, and I just honestly can’t believe I have lost nearly 10lbs in just a few days, not to mention 21.6lbs total in less than a month. I feel really great, and I feel pretty well on my way to my goals. I’ve lost  little over the first 5% that I needed to lose, and now my next goal is to be a little over my 10%, which would be 305lbs. I can’t wait to say I’ve lost 50lbs! From there on out, I’ll just focus at 15-20lbs at a time. That’s easier for me to deal with than my overall goal, which is still daunting sometimes. BUT! I have less than 200lbs to lose now 🙂

So, my juicing schedule was REALLY weird yesterday. I pretty much had to choke down my breakfast juice, and didn’t drink any juice the rest of the day, because I wasn’t hungry. I drank water, but I couldn’t stomach any more juice. I didn’t even juice anything for dinner! It was weird, but I figured that if I wasn’t hungry, then I shouldn’t push myself. I juiced this morning, but definitely need to buy some more stuff before lunch. I go through TONS of cucumbers every day. Seriously. I probably use 4 or 5 per day. Just another excuse to visit my favorite produce stand!

Yesterday my cravings for food were probably the worst they have been this entire time. People were talking about pizza, Starbucks, and all sort of other things. Then when I got home, all I wanted to do was sit on the couch with a big bowl of popcorn and watch Netflix in my sweats. And mom ate eggs and toast in front of me, which is my absolute favorite meal. It was hard, but when my stomach didn’t rumble, I knew there was no point to wanting those foods if I wasn’t hungry anyways. It did make me take a look at WHY I wanted those foods – I wanted them because they sounded good, and they are comfort food for me. I liked being able to realize that and ignore the cravings, even if it was difficult.

I feel really good today, and I feel more empowered to keep going. I love seeing the results on the scale and feeling like I have tons of energy. It’s already a self-confidence booster for me to know that I’ve gotten this far. This seems to be one of the longest and most successful times I have stuck to my weight loss journey, and I’m very proud of that!

Well, that about gets you caught up to everything. I’ll be doing a lot of blog reading today! Talk to you all soon 🙂