I know I’m not the only one to ever start doing something, then go at it so hard that it becomes so overwhelming and it’s just impossible to continue. After a few months in the beginning of the year, I was so burnt out that all I wanted was a hamburger. Make that a bacon cheeseburger. With fries. Super-sized. And a Pepsi Max.
I’ve gained all my lost weight back, plus some. I’m over 300lbs again, and it was depressing me so much that I didn’t really care anymore. I ate whatever, drank whatever, and didn’t have any motivation to work out. I won’t even take pictures of myself anymore because I can see the extra weight back in my face, and it disgusts me. I hate looking in the mirror, or putting my jeans on. They’re getting tight on me. Most days, I honestly don’t even want to go to work or leave my house.
While I’m still pretty depressed about everything, I also know that it’s never going to change unless I give it another try. I have an elliptical now in my house, and even used it for about 25 minutes tonight. Yesterday I lifted some 10lb weights for a few minutes with my little brother, and even did a few sit ups. It made me feel a little better.
I don’t want to go at this again with so much force that I once again burn myself out; I want to try to start getting into a routine slowly…I’d like to do it right this time. I don’t know what it will fully entail yet, but I think I’m going to start with the elliptical after work during the week, and drinking water more. That’s an easy start that isn’t daunting. I can do that.
I’ve been trying to figure out what’s the underlying cause to my reluctance to trying hard, but I just can’t put my finger on it. I keep picturing myself thinner, and then my actions are something totally against that beautiful picture. I can’t blame it on anyone except myself, but I don’t understand it in the first place. I think it could be a classic case of “I hold all my problems in and try to ignore them by overeating”; I really don’t go to anyone for my own problems, though I tell everyone to come to me with theirs. I’ve done this so long I don’t even really know how to talk about my own problems. Maybe my problems get to me so much that I overeat to keep myself from thinking of everything else that is going on in my life. I don’t talk about anything because I think I can deal with it without bring it up to anyone; I don’t think that is the case anymore. Obviously I’ve tried to take care of them myself, and it’s not working, and if fact is making it worse.
In any case, I do feel a little bit of relief just by acknowledging that I have some sort of problem, and that I’d like to work on solving it. I know I’ll begin feeling better about myself if I start working out again, and especially if I eat better.
I don’t think I’m quite ready to post this blog on Facebook again; while I know my friends and family will support me, I’m not ready to show them how far off the wagon I’ve fallen until I can start picking myself up again and make some progress. But to all of you that continue to follow us on our blog, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for caring. It’s not easy to come out and admit that I have a problem and need help with it, but I know you all are there. You’ll never know how much it means to me to know that I can come back after being M.I.A. for a few months, and knowing you’re still here. You make it worth trying again. Thank you.