Failure to Thrive

How does one get here?

The eve of my 43rd birthday two weeks ago left me curled up in a ball sobbing alone in a 4 star hotel downtown Seattle.  I had chosen to be alone with the intention of pampering myself, however, when I checked in, the realization of how empty and alone I felt inside hit me harder than anticipated.   The tears were flowing before I even pulled up to valet parking and in spite of my efforts to pull it together at check in, it was probably pretty obvious that I had reached my critical limit.  A bottle of complimentary champagne and chocolate covered bing cherries were sent to my room along with the cheese tray that I requested…when my goodies arrived, I was greeted by a waiter with “Happy Birthday” wishes and polite conversation.  Much to my surprise he filled my glass of champagne and asked if he may sing to me.  I wiped away the tears and sat in amazement that this waiter had taken a moment out of his day to warm my heart and to sing “It Was a Very Good Year.”

Again, how does one get here?

Life has brought me many challenges and I have always found a way to rise above, a phoenix rising out of the ashes, this time, however,  I just couldn’t take flight.  Like a wounded bird who uses all his strength flapping his wings but can not get enough lift to soar, I seemingly can no longer fly.

They say that a tiny infant will deteriorate without love and human touch and will experience “failure to thrive”.  As a caretaker of an ill husband, I can tell you that I, too, feel an intense “failure to thrive”.  My weight loss has been more of a struggle than it has been in years and the lack of support I receive at home makes it more of a challenge than I ever could have imagined.  Now that Elysia has flown the nest, I have zero support at home to achieve my goals and I have not done well on my own.  I am starting to understand that I have more baggage than most airport luggage terminals.

How does this change?

Well, reality really hits you when you find that you can’t stop yourself from crying in a lonely hotel room.  I really reached down into my soul about my life and vowed that I would never again allow myself to climb back into such a dark corner of my soul.  I can not continue to sit back and place blame on others for my unhappiness as I am ultimately in control of every moment of happiness or unhappiness that I experience.  I can not become angry that I have no support for my weight loss journey, I must lift and support my OWN self.  Life may not have dealt me a very good hand, but dammit I am throwing three cards in and asking the dealer for three more!  Just because I feel that many people have let me down in my life doesn’t mean that I have to let myself down.  It is time to pick myself up.

Today, I re-start my weight-loss journey (even if it is my 110th re-start) and it begins with today’s purchase of a NordicTrack Elliptical.  Yes, I have finally purchased a piece of exercise equipment since my nightmare schedule does not permit me to run to a gym and Seattle weather is beyond unpredictable.

And for the bad news…

In the coming weeks I will be changing the name of my blog and removing my daughter Elysia.  I will miss her on our blog and hope that she is able to also find her way through the dark.  Much love to you dear daughter.

Thank you for your continued support as I crawl through this mid-life crisis and find my way down the road.

Much Love,                                                                                                                          Beth